My dear readers, today at Big Ideas headquarters located on an iceberg in the South Atlantic we have decided to attempt to talk about guns in the American society. It was either that or perfect our doggy paddle, but since we will get to do that soon enough we will focus on guns and their place in our society. As the Foolish Prophet, I can see the future at times. With such a controversial topic, you dear reader must wonder how I will be able to give hope to both sides of this argument without backlash from those on either side of the gun freedom / gun control argument. I honestly will not try to do any such thing. I will just give birth to an idea and see if anybody will care and feed for her. I will point out, like any birth bringing forth the idea was messy and involved people sticking things into places best left for a really creepy after school special.
First let us have a ridiculously simple statement of an extremely complex problem. People use guns to hurt other people, most of the time without the person who is getting hurt consent. This can create tragedies that a whole nation mourns. There is nothing funny about that. After such tragedies we are left stumbling around wondering what an appropriate response is so we do not bury our children. What becomes difficult is we have a right to bear arms enshrined in the very document that created the United States of America. Once again this is a serious topic and it might be the last time I am serious here, so please skip the rest of this post if you are in a place to be offended. I do have some real points to be made in the next paragraph(s), but I am the Foolish Prophet and fools go where the smart and brave fear to tread.
I want to rephrase the problem. We have guns in the hands of people that should not have them, and those people hurt people without their consent. Okay, so what we need to figure out is how to get the guns out of the hands of those people, but still allow other people to have a gun as their second amendment right allows. Here I tip my hat to prophets that came before me. They suggested buying back guns. This allows you to remove them from the pool of possible problems. Great idea, but we have failed on the execution of the solution. If you decided to turn in your firearm, you could receive up to one hundred dollars per weapon. One hundred dollars? That doesn’t buy groceries for a week for a family of four. What kind of incentive is that? When I was a gang banger, I might have used my gun to make four to five hundred dollars a week with my twenty-two. I wouldn’t want to take a pay cut and put myself out of a job for one hundred dollars. I mean I learned after participating in that toxicology focus group. (Those last two sentences might have never happened, or maybe they did. My juvi records are sealed, and I’m not talking.) What we need is real cash offered. I was thinking we should give fifty large (that’s fifty thousand for those of you not hip in gang banger speak.) per working firearm. That would serve two purposes. Guns would fly off the streets, and the criminally poor would get the seed money to move into other endeavors like selling insurance policies on Obama’s health care exchange.
I can hear the gnashing of teeth. How do we pay for such an endeavor? Well, the affordable healthcare act is supposed to keep insurance policies low. Oh, not that, you mean paying for the guns. Simple. We already destroyed the deficit with the previous Great Idea by selling our privacy to the marketers and advertisers of the world. See, that Great Idea is the Great Idea that keeps on giving. Besides, if we really want to get the guns out we need to pay the price. Really, we say human life is worth at least a million dollars, at least according to old health insurance policies, why not pay the price to take the guns off the streets?
This Great Idea is also genius because if you want to keep your weapons and forfeit your fifty thousand dollars then you really, really, really want to exercise your second amendment rights, and bless your heart, you are doing so. This way if you hunt, enjoy target shooting, or are a paramilitary group who doesn’t read the newspaper to find out about this program because it is all leftist propaganda meant to brainwash you that the end is not coming, you, yes you, can keep your guns. At least until the ATF comes after your compound, but that is another Great Idea that might never see the light of day, until they come to visit me.
Lastly you might say, “Oh Foolish Prophet, that will take the guns off the streets, but what about those companies still producing guns. What about them?” If you didn’t say that, I forgive you this time, but work harder on your mental dexterity for next time. Sorry, it needed to be said. Anyhow, the answer to that is simple. We pay the companies to not produce guns for the next few years. We can look at their profit margins the past few years and give them a fair settlement. I’m crazy you say? Correct I say, but think about it, we have precedent for this. I’m not talking about GM or Chrysler, but the great farm bill. We pay farmers one point six Billion (capital B for sure) to not plant crops in their fields. That is not a typo. It was originally used to help push farmers into better use of their lands, letting them lay fallow to recover every once in a while. If paying for fallow fields is a worthy goal, then so is paying gun manufacturers not to produce guns for domestic sales.
I leave you to keep following the bread crumb trail. Whether it leads down the rabbit hole or not, you can decide. Of course why the stupid rabbit is now eating bread instead of carrots makes me nervous. Can human flesh be far behind? My job this week is done. Next time we will talk about the homeless and how we can help them and use them as a resource.