The Foolish Prophet has had two things distract him from delivering more mind opening ideas to you, the gracious reader. The first is I am now in possession of a new human being who takes up more time than one should for her size. Secondly I have been waiting by the phone for the governments of the world to contact me for ideas about the missing Malaysian airliner. The Foolish Prophet has been disappointed in the unwillingness of the leaders of the world to consult with me on the matter. Alas, they are worse off without it. I have decided that you, eager reader, deserve your share of world expanding ideas that only the Foolish Prophet can provide. This is the least I can do.
I was trying to come up with a big problem, one that the Foolish Prophet could really sink his teeth into. I thought about global warming due to excess cow flatulence, but the answer to that is to eat more steak, but that would lead to problems of steak sauce production. I haven’t developed a good enough steak sauce to corner the market yet, so that one has to wait. I finally came up with something better. We are about to have a problem with old people. This problem, we have been told, will bankrupt this nation and drive up the costs of prunes to a point of no return. The Foolish Prophet has devised a clever solution that will make this problem wither and die. Oh yes, I did just do that… and more.
As I see it dutiful readers, we have a few problems that the population getting older causes. We will have a drain on resources as the newly elderly retire and move onto social security, Medicare, and greeter jobs at Wal-Mart. One of these alone could topple all of western society as we know it, but put all three together and you have three bad things to deal with at the same time. (See what I did there. I knew you would be panicking and couldn’t handle a hyperbole, simile, or even an adverb, so I kept it simple. I am here for you faithful reader!)
How do we get past this triumvirate of terror? No, we don’t kill the old folks. Shame on you! Euthanasia should be a name of a Yanni tribute band, not a viable solution to save this great land of ours before it goes over the Niagara Falls of destruction. No! What we need to do is enable our older folks such that they don’t become the burden we worry about, but instead an economic engine and a source of beatnik poetry.
How do we do this without killing them? The answer is simple, legalized drugs. Not just marijuana, but everything. Crack, smack, patty whack, LSD, ecstasy, and cotton candy, the sky is the limit. The only way you get them legally is to show your social security card. For anyone of a lesser age they would still carry the same penalties as they do today. There are so many benefits to this program that once understood there is no going back. Let the Foolish Prophet explain them to you.
First off, what are we worried about the baby boom generation? We are worried they will live too long. We know drugs help solve this problem. Shortening their lives at this point helps save resources for the people working to keep the newly elderly alive and eating ramen noodles every day. This comes with a benefit to the elderly. They get to relive the sixties again where a lot of these drugs ran hot and cold from the taps. They could live in a permanent flash back. Would you really take that away from them in their golden years?
Now one of the most important benefits my observant readers. The cost of prescriptions is going through the roof. Seniors need to decide should they buy their medications or eat two meals a week of Raman. This is no way to live. Legalizing drugs for seniors will drive the costs of these formally illegal drugs to plunge through the floor. This would enable grandma to get high, and eat ramen four times a week. That is a win-win. Also a lot of pains that are felt by the elderly would cease to be an issue. What about addiction you say. Yes I heard you say it, even if you didn’t. I ask you this. When you are on the short end of the life expectancy stick, wouldn’t you rather take a few more pharmaceutical risks? Have some fun in your own mind because you induced it yourself? Medicaid would thank you since these drugs would be much less costly. Therefore we now have one more government program that won’t be a burden.
You might ask about the costs to the elderly when they develop addictions. Where are they going to find the money as the habit costs more and more? You say, “Foolish Prophet, you scandalize the cost of prescription drugs, but eventually that crack habit will get too costly for my great aunt, what then?” Well, great aunt could then become a drug dealer. She will be able to undercut the local gang easily, and bring in enough money to keep her habit and her network in supplies for a few years. This is impossible you say. Well did you watch Breaking Bad? That was a chemistry teacher who had to make his own product. Your great aunt would have a cheap supplier and we both know she can throw a mean shoe, so she would be able to handle herself. If not, buy her a shotgun for her birthday instead of some cheap throw pillow in a color that sort of goes with her furniture, but really doesn’t and you know that, but you saw it five minutes before going over to her house three days after her birthday. (Whew, that was a long run-on sentence, but I needed to get that off my chest.) Now you can be much closer to her since she won’t just be your great aunt, but your dealer. Maybe she will even give you a family discount.
The Foolish Prophet has a hidden bonus that I will reveal to you, but only you. We could study the effects of legalizing drugs to see if we can move the age limit lower, just like AARP. My eight year old daughter just got a membership card. How low we have fallen. We know what a drain drugs are as we fight a war we can never win. What would happen if we let Pandora out of her sleeping bag? (Pandora is a woman who kept hope to herself. Don’t believe what you read about her. She is never letting hope go.) Maybe we can finally answer that question, at least with a part of the population who is not our future.
Lastly, every senior on this program would fail the pee in the cup test, which would free up lose sweet greeter jobs at Wal-Mart. You wouldn’t want high old men driving those carts down the aisle, hitting young ladies while trying to scoop them up into the basket on the front. It never works Grandpa! Trust me, I know. Okay maybe I don’t really know and have just fantasized about it! Don’t judge me. Go back to doing crack old man!
So I tell you again, legalize drugs for our seniors. It will give them the push they need, and we will get to keep our economy slowly slipping into the deep end instead of diving in and dolphin kicking straight to the bottom without stopping and hitting its head. It will help ease the pain of growing old, give Medicare a breather, and allow for all of us to have a chance to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. What more could a Foolish Prophet ask for?