Once again faithful readers, the Foolish Prophet has decided to weigh in on an important subject that effects millions of Americans every single day. No, it is not the latest petition to kick Justin Bieber out of the country (I believe Canada has already closed its borders and is threatening no more exporting of Labaat’s Blue if we ship Bieber back. What to do, what to do?) This is a question of great national importance. What should we do about TSA?
There is great heated debate about this topic. The taking off of shoes, the naked pictures, and the answering of personal questions in front of large groups of people can make anyone uncomfortable. Now there are benefits to the public. We can take some comfort that there are systems in place to try to stop another air hijacking tragedy. On top of that, the Foolish Prophet doesn’t mind the occasional friendly crotch grab either. (Thank you, Miguel. It was great for me, but you still owe me dinner.) Still there are calls for the disbandment of the organization. There are claims that the process costs too much, that at best the TSA is security theater, and the extra time needed for travel is a waste of said time. These allegations are serious, and to that end the Foolish Prophet has thought long and hard as to how to alleviate the problems (waste of time), while enhancing the positive of the experience (crotch grabs). This has led your Foolish Prophet to formulate Great Idea #5.
We will institute the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare depending if you are on the groom or bride’s side of the aisle, into the TSA. That’s right my faithful readers. When you go for an airplane ride, you will get a free medical exam. Where else do you get seen naked, asked very personal questions, and get your body parts groped and prodded. This is a marriage made in some heaven somewhere. The government will bring doctors to every airport in the country to conduct basic exams on every passenger before boarding. This will work because as we speak all medical records are being digitized to be portable between health care providers. Now you will be able to use your insurance cards and dental records as proof of who you are. Think of all the benefits.
The first benefit is the ability to have a healthier society. Right now people do not use preventative care as much as they should. Early detection of high blood pressure, diabetes, and venereal diseases will deliver on the promise of keeping health care costs under control. This is especially true for the typical business traveler who is sedentary a good chunk of time. A constant drumming into them about their cholesterol can only help it sink in. I’m sure there is a statistic about how almost every person flies a plane once a year or something. The Foolish Prophet is also sure there must be a statistic about how most people do not see their doctor once a year. Therefore witches float! (For those who do not get this reference watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail right now. No really. That joke is that good.)
The second benefit to Great Idea #5 is an increased security at the airport. It is harder to hide explosives when all your items, including your undies, are put through bomb detection equipment, drug sniffers, and dry cleaning before given back to the patient. With a general physical an additional benefit could be a random test or procedure thrown in. The patient is less likely to be smuggling illegal or explosive substances in their rectum after a proctology exam. If you are innocent of any wrong doing, you can be given a lollipop and some stickers for your trouble.
The Foolish Prophet even sees a time where the hospital is located at the airport. This gives the authorities to react quicker when a plane full of SARS comes in on runway 10N. Also, relatives and loved ones coming into town to visit the sick would never have to leave the airport complex. How convenient is that? Also there are lots of parking lots and buses to take you to and fro, not to mention a lot of hotels nearby. See, the Foolish Prophet is making sense.
Before you say, “No thank you, Foolish Prophet. You have gone too far on this one.”, I want you to think about this. How much is saving just one life worth? We have spent tens of millions of dollars for each person lost to the tragedy of terror in our skies. With this plan, at least you would get a clearer picture of our health and a plan to combat our aging and decaying physical shells, or at least healthcare theater.
Big Ideas of a Foolish Prophet 